Where are you now?
If I can be bold with you when I looked at the topic for this month, oh man oh man it hit home for me. I asked myself, "How can I talk about faith and healing, when I am going through so much pain, struggles, and acceptance on this currently? How would the Lord want me to write about this?" In reality what I discovered was that it is because through this season I believe God wants to use it for his glory. As a Christian I am not immune to heartache nor to pain.
I have written a lot and have been bold about my condition with depression. For years I have struggled with it in so many ways. I have struggled with self worth, with identity, with acceptance, and recently I will be honest it has hit harder than ever. This past month I have questioned my faith and my calling in God more than I ever have before. A few days ago, God met me where I was in the moment where I needed him, I was close to really thinking about going through the process again, when you wake up every morning wishing that you didn't it is hard. After turning away, and telling God no, refusing to turn to him in my pain and brokenness, I have finally asked the the Lord to meet me where I was. I do not believe that I am called to perfection, but I do believe that I am called to run to the one who is all perfection. I believe that God has a plan and he has a purpose through what I am going through, and I believe that he wants me to share something with you.
"Now faith is the assurance of all things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
Faith is confidence and assurance of what we do not see. I have preached on this scripture multiple times, I have talked to people about it multiple times, but seeing it tested in my own life is one of the utmost testing experiences. I do believe that God one day will heal me from this depression. I do believe that God will heal me from this pain. I do believe that one day that I will no longer have to wake up in pain, nor in brokenness. I do believe that this will happen, whether if it is in this lifetime here on this earth. I am not so sure, but I am sure that if it is not here I have heaven to look forward to. I may not see with my earthly eyes, but it is promised.
My pastor mentioned this scripture says that his Word will be a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. If you really think about it we do not see much if we were to apply this. If we were to really carry a lamp in front of our feet then we would only see several steps rather than our final destination.
How true is that? We ask God for the final destination and the exact map of it now, but he only gives us a few steps. The reason is this, it is because he is preparing you for the next, he is molding you in this moment. He is molding you in this situation. He his preparing you to take the next step. You just have to allow God to plant your feet rather than you assuming he wants your feet planted in the direction that he wants you to go.
I've been begging God for complete healing. I have been begging over and over again for it to happen, but because my mind and body asks for instantaneous gratification it is so hard for me to accept that I am not ready for it yet. Until the Lord is most glorified in my life who am I to ask for complete healing if I do not see it nor believe it, if I am limiting God of what he can do through me, if I even myself knows that I haven't dependent on him enough for me to, but rather dependent on myself even though he deserves the glory.
The other part of this that I completely failed at and am horrible at it is being able to reach out to people in the midst of pain. While we need to be fully dependent on the Lord, we need to also realize that it is important to be in community with one another. We need to be able to share in suffering together and allow people to encourage us rather than assuming we are always alone. Once we accept that we are not alone, then our faith and hope will grow. My faith has grown so much in a few days and because of the love and support from my church family and friends, I have been able to wake up more encouraged and more motivated to get up. I do not know what the day has for me, but I know that I am stronger through him. I am stronger because I have people in my life that are also seeking God as well on my behalf, and are cheering for me in the midst of pain.
I encourage you to seek the Lord whether you feel like you cannot nor have the strength. I encourage you to seek people to join you in prayer and in community to be able to cheer you on in this season. I encourage you to seek the Lord like never before.
Where are you now? > the question I ask when nothing goes my way or when I feel as if my faith is shaking.
I trust you. > my response as a result of my growing faith in the Lord.