Picture of Perfection
As a new writer for this blog, I contemplated what I wanted to write about. As most, if not all of you, don’t know who I am, the only decent thing is to introduce myself. I am a current senior at Grand Canyon University, graduating in April with a Bachelors in sociology and a minor in biblical studies. If you read my bio it has some general statements about me like I’m from San Diego, I have four siblings, and I love children. Those are all nice things but who is the real Sabrina? The things I struggles with or what experiences made me who I am today? What is my identity?
Finding out who I was a long journey for me. Growing up I was bullied for being different and black. For most of my childhood, I grew up in a nicer neighborhood where most of the demographic were Caucasian people. I had three girls who on a daily basis commented on my appearance and criticized me. They made fun of my hair, the way I dressed, and anything else they could poke fun at. I called them my friends. I was a very shy and timid girl who didn’t think she could make anymore friends, so I just stuck it out. This went one for about 2 years before I finally had enough. I remember playing on the basketball courts in elementary school and one girl had made the comment that my shoes didn’t match my outfit. I screamed at her I don’t care. I hated the girls and myself. I had no idea who I was. I had lost sight of that because for two years of my life I was told that I was not good enough. While going through all of this I knew who Jesus was because my father is a pastor. I grew up in the church and knew Jesus was my savior, but I didn’t know that he loved me for who I was. The idea of God that I had was very work based. I felt I had to be perfect and not sin for God to love me. I went through my life hating myself because I felt anything I did would never be good enough for anyone. I found my self-worth in perfection in the eyes of others. Of course that ideology never satisfied my longing to be loved and accepted because I didn’t accept who I was.
I did not find out who I was until two things changed: how I viewed God and how I viewed myself. I saw God as this angry, judgmental person who scrutinized my every move. If I made one mistake that God was mad at me and I had work myself back into his good graces. My idea of God did not change until I had a heart to heart with my camp counselor at camp called Youth Haven. She explained to me the true meaning of the gospel that Jesus died for me because I wasn’t perfect, and God does not expect me to be. That I am human and I’m going to make mistakes, but it is my continual effort to transform my life and heart to be more like Jesus. As I realized that God loved me unconditionally, I started to give myself grace and saw a slow but gradual change in my self-worth. When I surround myself with God’s love, I felt love for myself. that my self-worth and identity was being constructed in God’s identity. In the worlds eyes I was not good enough, but in His eyes I am perfect and created for his glorious purpose. Psalm 139 is a chapter I meditated on for a while to build up my confidence in God. It states that God’s works are wonderful, and he knew exactly what I was going to be before I came to this earth. He praises God, and then at the end asks God to challenge his thoughts. To make sure his every thought and action is aligned with the mind of God. This was my prayer for myself! To see myself through God’s eyes and continue to challenge my thoughts of not being good enough. It did not happen overnight, but as I continued to pursue God he pursued me twice as much. This is a huge part of who I am, and I want others to begin to love themselves as God loves them. I know identity is something everyone struggles with, and I want to be a vessel for God to share that a person’s worth and image is in Christ. That no matter what happens in life a person’s mistakes, failures, past life, mental illnesses or anything else does not define who they are. In Christ alone is where their beauty lies. So embrace your identity in the love of Jesus.