God Healed My Depression

God Healed My Depression

     From a year ago to ever since I can remember, I always struggled with depression. There was low self-image, self-esteem, self-compassion, and self-love. I had no sense of self-worth. Most days, I passively tossed around the idea of suicide. Even when I wasn’t suicidal, fleeting thoughts like “what would happen if I was not here anymore” would cross my mind several times a day. I thought I was good for nothing except to be another statistic of people who took their own lives. Nobody would see it coming. I looked as though I was happy and had my life together on the outside. On the inside, I wanted to die.

     Recently, I was looking through old photos and videos on my phone and I came across a video of me drunk and speaking to my camera. For five minutes, I just talked about how much I wanted to die. It broke my heart. On August 14, 2017, I checked myself into the ER because I attempted to take my own life, then I was checked into a mental hospital.

     Today, I can genuinely say that God healed me of my depression. Now, this might not look like the way you think. There are still days that I have depressive episodes and I still have to work to fight off the depression. I spent a year doing intense therapy every week, attending AA meetings, meeting weekly with my mentor, meeting bi-weekly with my senior pastor, and trying different medications. It was not like I woke up one morning and I was healed of all depressive symptoms. It took time and work.

     Why do I say my depression is healed even though it is not gone? I have bipolar and depression. They are mental illnesses that I will have to manage my entire life. But right there is a key word, “manage.” I can manage it instead of it controlling me. I wake up most mornings and I authentically love myself and can enjoy being alive again. Thoughts of suicide are scarce and ephemeral. People have seen the change that I feel. My outlook on life is different. I have hope now.

    To me, this is healing. Sure it is not completely gone and sure I take medication daily, but there is no doubt in my mind that I am healed. Sometimes I forget that I struggle with depression because I am too busy counting my blessings and thanking God. Healing may not always look like the way you expect, but this is healing to me.

Following the Call Despite Change

Following the Call Despite Change

45 Things You Can Do When You Are Tempted

45 Things You Can Do When You Are Tempted