Following the Call Despite Change
Being broken is not something I enjoy. I have had a lot of change in my life in the past 4 months. I lost the comfort of a place I use to call my home away from home and I moved away from everything and everyone I knew to a small town in Missouri. I started a new job that was emotionally, physically and spiritually draining, and I was at the end of my tolerance for change. I went through the emotion of being mad at God, mad at myself, mad at others, and it got me nowhere. I let my emotions run rapid because I was broken, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt lost in a place with no support system or comfort of my own. I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do. I felt called to leave and come Missouri, but I didn’t feel like I was following what God had intended. Which in turn caused me to think less of myself.
Long story short, it was a big spiral of depression that led to nowhere. In my brokenness, I was able to learn things about myself that I would have never seen otherwise. I process emotions terribly, and I need to find the balance between allowing myself to feel emotions but not letting them spiral out of control. God was showing me the error of my ways and I hated it, because my way was comfortable. I’d put up walls and push people away to avoid feelings. I felt crazy when I allowed myself to feel emotions. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me and it just made me more upset about everything. I would go through the day as everything was fine, but on the inside, I was slowly losing control. I couldn’t let that happen.
God slowly, but surely revealed His presence in my life when I realized I was not in control and I never will be. In a sense, yes, I have control over my actions, but actions done without the goal of pleasing the Father were useless at best. That my way of life and thinking was not good enough for Him anymore, He had better for me. I had to learn to trust the crappy process that God is still walking me through. Seeing the growth in my brokenness. If you take anything away from my blog today know this: God is in control whether you like it or not, and we must trust His process and not our own because he sees the big picture.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.